To Those Who Hate Parties

I don’t know if it’s the fault of my awkward self or maybe my strong sense of guilt, but either way, I feel way too uncomfortable attending birthday parties. Some might think that I’m contradicting one of my earlier posts about Regie’s birthday, but at least we have a close relationship, I have no qualms with getting fat with my friends.

It wasn’t actually a birthday party, it was more of a dinner instead (I am so grateful we didn’t have to stay for too long, though the food was great). Of course I was glad I attended, but my enjoyment didn’t really justify my uneasiness (it’s not replacement, but coexistence). It wasn’t the location or the celebrator herself, but when you aren’t really close with the host, somehow you get the feeling that you shouldn’t be present. It’s not because you don’t want to be there, it’s just that there are people who deserve the invitation much more than you do.

Automne | pon-marsh [pixiv]
Aya has more friends than the people I know (That sounded so self-deprecating 😭), I mean, she’s the kind of person who would abandon her savior so that you get saved instead, and people like her for that. They like her and they become friends with her, there is no such thing as an acquaintance in her world.

However, there’s me. I find her nice and I can’t bring myself to dislike her, but I’m not a friend. I don’t belong in her world, and I bet she understands that. Had I not been on the same trip home with her, she would never have invited me, and I would’ve been fine with that, but I was and a lot of her friends weren’t.

I really am

Aya was seated by the middle of the table along with her close friends. Being on one end of the table, I was surrounded by people I rarely spoke to, and these people felt guilty as well. We couldn’t stomach our food properly because we felt out of place (we really were out of place). When you know your place in someone’s eyes, sometimes you can’t help but feel different when you get a better seat. We knew we didn’t belong in her world, and so we tried eating as slow as possible to avoid conversation with one another and with the host.

The food was great. Too bad, I don’t have actual pictures.

Aya was still entertaining her friends when dinner ended. I couldn’t bring out my phone to counter the uneasiness, ’cause that would be rude. I wouldn’t want the host to think that I found her stories boring (well, I couldn’t hear them from my side of the table anyway). I was just passing time by smiling at the people around me and staring at my plate. When Aya cracked a joke, I would chuckle a bit. I don’t know, I was trying to fit myself in her world, I suppose.

I thanked her family for the dinner and greeted her happy birthday, when she finally let us off. I enjoyed the food, but I was extremely awkward throughout dinner. I hope I can get this awkwardness out of my system.

I just want to sit out on parties. They’re not my thing.

No pics from the party ’cause I couldn’t bring my phone out. :>